Monday, July 12, 2010

The Lonelies

I have come to realize that strong emotions like to come and take over. Loneliness is one that has been moving in recently. I just reread my post on Grief and realized that they are related.

My grief is abating somewhat, but what is trying to move in and take the space is loneliness. I am a single woman that lives alone, with the exception of a wonderful dog, Beau. Beau is great, but he has been dealing with losing his playmate too.

When I had both dogs, there was a built in distraction. The Marshmallows (my nickname for them) would play together, chase each other for a toy, fight for space on my lap and sleep with me.

With Ruby gone, Beau does not have that friend and I am missing the distraction. An easy fix would be to go get another rescue, but that is not an option right now. So I am left with my feelings.

The problem with being alone is that there is too much time left to your own thoughts. Sometimes this is good for self-reflection, other times it just leaves me wandering aimlessly in a bad neighborhood. Old thoughts, mistakes, past and current, regrets and just plain self-pity arrive at my doorstep and demand their time at the podium.

When I am distracted, it is easier for me to brush them aside and know that they had their time in my life and it is time for new experiences and even mistakes.

So now I am hit with The Lonelies. I thought that was over, that I had put it behind me and I accepted that I am alone and learned to live with it. Evidently I have a new layer of the onion that is getting peeled away.

I don't know where this is going, I just know it is where I am at.